Getting behind already...

So I am getting behind already. Since my last blog, I have been to my introduction meeting and the first part of my physical. The introduction was pretty much just a formality. C (the boyfriend) has already been through the Optifast program, so he had given me the low down. I did find out exactly how much it's all going to cost me...and it's not going to be cheap. I have to pay $210 for a body assessment on December 2nd, and then it will be $110 a week for meetings and shakes. I know it's a lot, but I really think that the emotional and of course physical results will be worth it. Besides me and C spend so much money on junk food, that I am pretty sure we will be saving tons of money. At least when we both get on the plan.

I can't wait. I am so tired of thinking about food. I can't even decide what to eat anymore. It all sounds blah.

I have the second part of my physical on the 24th. That is when they tell me all the good stuff, so I will give all the juicy details then.

I have a lot to say about friends and family and how it all plays a role in my mental well being, but I think that for tonight I am just going to post my before picture and call it a night. I will get into all that later, and before I start my plan. I need to get it all out of my system before I say it out loud in front of people.

So, here is my before picture and (C's, too because it's my most recent, and I love him). This is my at my unhappiest and unhealthiest. It all gets better from here...

Making the decision.

I wasn't always fat, but like most teenagers you never really appreciate the fact that you're skinny. My journey to my current weight started in High School. I was a size 9, 145lbs, 5'7". But it was all in my butt and thighs. I had no boobs to speak of, and I felt disproportioned. This was due in part to my best friend telling me all the time that I was bottom heavy. I see now that she needed to make herself feel better by making me feel bad. But I know that I can't fully blame my body issues on other people. I was young and insecure and shy on top of that. It all plays a role.

After High School I gained a little weight. I think that I was all of a size 11 when my HS boyfriend said that he would never marry me unless I lost some weight. We weren't together at that point, and I had no intentions of marrying him anyway, but it still hurt. The funny thing is that not long after that, I found my self confidence. Maybe his comments gave me the strength to see myself the way I really was, and instead of hating it like he did, I loved it. I had become more curvy and felt like I had a great shape. I loved my body, and expected everyone else to love it, too. If they didn't they shouldn't look was my theory.

Slowly as more years past I reached a size 14 then 16. I'd go to the gym regularly and get back to a 14, and then quit. I was pretty happy with myself at a size 14. I was by no definition of the word skinny, but I was content and felt healthy and sexy.
Over the past decade the weight has gone up and down (mostly up). People have come and gone from my life. There have been men that loved me, but not my body. And men who loved my body and not me. I don't blame my weight gain on anyone, and although some breakups and losses have been earth shattering, I don't blame it on that either.

The main event that I can trace my weight gain to is my current job. I went from working in retail where I was standing all day, to sitting on my butt. It seems like such a small thing, but it has had a major impact. I went from a chubby but ok with it 210 lbs, to my current weight of 265lbs. This is the heaviest that I have ever been, and it has finally taken an physical and emotional toll on me. I am tired all the time. I have no drive to get up and out and into the world. There are so many things that I want to do, but I can't will myself to get them done. On top of that, I have to take medicine to control my blood pressure, I had to have my gallbladder removed and I feel sick most of the time. I can't take it any more. I don't feel like myself, I feel lost.

I have to add here that I have the most wonderfully supportive boyfriend. He loves me just the way I am, but he also wants me to be healthy and happy. If I were happy and felt good at my current weight he would love me just the way that I am. Knowing that I am not either of those things prompts him to give me encouragement but he knows that I have to do things in my own time. He never pressures me, and I love him even more for that.

That said, he has helped me come to the decision to try Optifast. He has done the program before, but for personal reasons he was not able to maintain the weight loss. He had a lot of success and loved the emotional and medical support that the program offers. We both have a lot of weight to loose. While not everyone in our lives will agree that a liquid diet is the way to go, we both need some time where food is eliminated from our diets so that we can detox, and start over from a healthier place. Fast food is a staple in our diet, and that is a hard habit to break.

We are going to our orientation tomorrow. I know that I want to do this, but I need all the information before I fully commit. I am going to post before pictures later today, so that anyone who may read this can see where I am starting from.