Days 1 & 2

The first day is always the hardest and to be honest, I was expecting it to be much harder! I started the day by waking up at 3am in a panic. What did I get myself into???!!! But then I fell back to sleep and woke up again in a better frame of mind. 3am is not really the best time for rational thinking anyway, right? So, I knew that the shakes would taste bad, and that I had to suffer through one every 3 hours. So I made a plan. 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm and 6pm. I got to work, mixed my first shake (chocolate), and as it turns out, it's not so bad. I actually kind of like it. Not in the same way I like french fries, but I was pretty tasty. Later in the day I tried the vanilla and orange flavors, unfortunately they were not as tasty. I can drink them but I will probably order only chocolate from now on.
So far the only time that is really hard is at night. C hasn't started yet, so he's been going out to eat dinner. I appreciate it, but I hate him at the same time. Just kidding, but it's hard to know that he's eating and that I'm left at home to fight temptation. I don't hold it against him. He's being really nice about it. He keeps coming up with other reasons why he's going out so that he doesn't have to say that he's getting dinner.
The biggest motivator I had was the fact that I felt better. I was weak and a little light headed, but besides that I felt better than I had in a long time. No stomach aches, not bloated blah feelings, it was a huge difference.
Day 2 was even easier than day 1. Night was still the hardest, but I fought through the desire to eat (it really is a desire more than anything. I don't have any cravings, and when I have my shakes, I not hungry.), and I feel really good for having done so. I have never really stuck to a diet before. I have started diets, but I always "cheat". This time I am determined not to, and I am proud of myself for sticking to it so far. The first few days are the hardest, so if I can do it now, then I can keep it up.
The thing that I have notices most is what hunger really feels like. Someone in class last week said that he stopped thinking of hunger as "pain". I have really taken that to heart, and it is motivating. When I feel hungry and my stomach growls, I remind myself that it doesn't hurt, it's uncomfortable, but not painful. I have also noticed that hunger is not always necessarily hunger. Many times in the last couple days I have felt hungry, my stomach might make a complaint or two, and I have a few sips of water and it goes away. This morning (day 3) I had a breath mint and I was fine without a shake until 8am, which since I get up at 5 is a pretty good stretch. I am learning that just because I feel physically hungry, it doesn't mean that I need to eat a ton of food to feel better.
My counselor told us to expect to feel a bunch of feelings that we have been repressing with food. So far I have had none of that. I miss food, but as far as bad thought that make me want to eat, I can't say that I have had any. I mentioned before that I suspect that I don't eat to suppress feelings, and I am feel like my theory is being validated.
Overall, the shakes aren't bad, the cravings aren't too bad, and it's a lot easier than I thought. I know that we aren't supposed to be looking at the scale, but I did get on the one at home last night...I didn't weigh myself on it prior to starting, so I'm sure it's not the same as the one at the clinic, but assuming that it's close, I have lost 8 pounds so far! How's that for motivation!!!

Tomorrow's the BIG Day

So I am thinking of today as my last day as a fat person. Granted, I'm going to be fat for several more months...but I will be working on not being fat. It's a state of mind thing, right?
I get my shakes tonight. I am expecting them to taste bad. I am thinking of them as medicine, so that I am less disappointed in the taste. I have tried medi-fast and that was DISGUSTING, but I have heard that this is better.
I started to get nervous for the first time yesterday. Can I really give up food? My head automatically tells me yes. Am I strong enough to give up food? This is where my hesitation comes in. I think that I am. C thinks that I am. Lots of people are excited for me. But can I do it. I keep saying yes, and deep down I believe that if I try I can. But will I try? These questions just keep playing over and over in my head.
I'm going to do my best, that's all I can do. I am feeling determined not to fail. I am sick of being fat. And more importantly, being fat is making me sick.
Wish me luck!

Week 1

I had my first Opitfast class last night. It is a mix of new people, people who have done Opitfast before and did not stick with their maintenance, and people who are continuing from another group (if you do not reach your goal in 20 weeks, you can join a new group and keep going until you feel ready for maintenance). I don't really feel that it is my place to share their stories, so I will try to stay away from talking too much about other people. I will say that having some people in the class that are 20+ weeks into the plan is really inspiring. It's nice to see that it can be done.
The class is set up in the round, and the first part of the class we introduced ourselves and talked about why we were there. The second half we went around and finished statements that the counselor had on the board. "One way I overeat because___" This was hard for me because I don't really consider myself an overeater. I'm sure that my portion sizes are way too big, but I don't feel like I binge eat, and I don't feel like I am an emotional eater...for the most part...I know I tend to snack when I am bored, but I don't really feel like I eat when I'm sad or angry or stressed. at lease not any more than I eat any other time. I am open to learning more about myself and maybe as I do I will see that I eat for these reasons, but for now, I feel like I just make really bad food choices. Those bad choices have lead to habits and certainly addictions. I like the fact that they are going to work on our emotional issues but mostly I am interested in breaking the addiction to sugar and high fat fast food.
So, I have one more week to eat. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. It's not like I will never eat my favorite foods again. I am going to hit a buffet before next Wednesday, mostly because I love mashed potatoes, and buffets have the BEST mashed potatoes and gravy. But besides that I am going to cook a couple things and then I am done. No looking back and no regrets. Like my counselor said, why am I going to spend $105 a week to fail?

FINALLY!!!

I finally got to have my Body Assessment yesterday. If you ask me, it was not worth $210. All they did was give me a goal weight (or rather ask me to give them one), take 2 pictures, my measurements, and give me a binder. And I was not very pleased with the lady that helped me. I could tell that she was only asking me questions to sound polite, but didn't really care about my answers. Normally this sort of thing doesn't get to me. I understand that everyone has an off day and it's hard working with people everyday. It's hard to care about every person that walks in the door, no matter how much you want to. That said, it did bother me a little with this lady because the questions were about my weight and I am not all that comfortable talking about it yet. Going in I was hoping to receive some support and I don't feel like I did.

At lease I have C. He supports me enough for ten people. I know that I have many other people to support me, I just haven't talked to them as much about it.

The binder that they gave me is pretty intense. It outlines what each group meeting is going to be about. They also give assignments and they want us to journal. I am hoping that I can use this blog to journal, so I don't have to write everything twice. I have to go to a two hour meeting every week. My first meeting is on the 10Th of February. In my second class I get my product (shakes) and I start my fast. I get 5 shakes a day and I have have up to two serving of chicken broth. They sell a special one, but I think that I can just use bullion cubes, and it will be cheaper. In addition to that I have to drink at lease 4 liters of water a day. That part will be easy for me except the having to pee every five minuets, that will SUCK!

I am feeling pretty optimistic. I feel like I am ready to make some changes and really live my life.

It's been too long...

I have had some financial setbacks in my plan to start Optifast. Unfortunately, with the holidays, it's been hard to find an extra $200 for my body assessment. I now have it scheduled for the 29th of January, and hopefully I will be able to afford it by then.

Which leads me to a huge rant about the heath care system...

If you have heath problem related to your weight (like my high blood pressure and cholesterol) you can qualify for weight loss surgery. All I would need is to have my doctor recommend surgery, and wait out the process. This is a surgery that would cost my health plan thousands of dollars. They are willing to pay that, but they aren't willing to pay for my body assessment for Optifast, which is a program that they endorse and whose offices are on their property. Where is the logic in that? I understand the health plan not paying for diet "foods", that makes sense to me. But why not help people with the medical side of it. It just so frustrating that my health plan doesn't want to help me with my health issues unless they get to cut me open to do it.

I have so many other issues with the health care system, and my particular health care provider in general but I'll save that for another post.

I also had some major problems with depression in December. By major, I don't mean suicidal, just for the record. I had several anxiety attacks, which is new for me. I felt like everything was out of control, and there was too much to do. Looking back, I don't know what I felt I couldn't handle. I feel the same way to some extent everyday. Like if I could just get the whole house clean at once, I'll be happy. Or if I can just get all the bills paid on time, I'll feel better. And when I can't I just want to give up. Only during the holidays, I felt like giving up meant disappointing everyone that I knew and I couldn't deal with that. It's a hard thing to put into words.

I've suspected that I have issues with depression for maybe the past 8 years or so, but it seems like when I finally get the courage or drive to seek help it doesn't seem so bad anymore. Which I'm guessing is the normal highs and lows of depression. I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist yesterday, and I didn't go. I know that once I start the diet, I will get counseling, it's part of the program. I guess I'm avoiding the issue until I have to deal with it...healthy, right?

Getting behind already...

So I am getting behind already. Since my last blog, I have been to my introduction meeting and the first part of my physical. The introduction was pretty much just a formality. C (the boyfriend) has already been through the Optifast program, so he had given me the low down. I did find out exactly how much it's all going to cost me...and it's not going to be cheap. I have to pay $210 for a body assessment on December 2nd, and then it will be $110 a week for meetings and shakes. I know it's a lot, but I really think that the emotional and of course physical results will be worth it. Besides me and C spend so much money on junk food, that I am pretty sure we will be saving tons of money. At least when we both get on the plan.

I can't wait. I am so tired of thinking about food. I can't even decide what to eat anymore. It all sounds blah.

I have the second part of my physical on the 24th. That is when they tell me all the good stuff, so I will give all the juicy details then.

I have a lot to say about friends and family and how it all plays a role in my mental well being, but I think that for tonight I am just going to post my before picture and call it a night. I will get into all that later, and before I start my plan. I need to get it all out of my system before I say it out loud in front of people.

So, here is my before picture and (C's, too because it's my most recent, and I love him). This is my at my unhappiest and unhealthiest. It all gets better from here...

Making the decision.

I wasn't always fat, but like most teenagers you never really appreciate the fact that you're skinny. My journey to my current weight started in High School. I was a size 9, 145lbs, 5'7". But it was all in my butt and thighs. I had no boobs to speak of, and I felt disproportioned. This was due in part to my best friend telling me all the time that I was bottom heavy. I see now that she needed to make herself feel better by making me feel bad. But I know that I can't fully blame my body issues on other people. I was young and insecure and shy on top of that. It all plays a role.

After High School I gained a little weight. I think that I was all of a size 11 when my HS boyfriend said that he would never marry me unless I lost some weight. We weren't together at that point, and I had no intentions of marrying him anyway, but it still hurt. The funny thing is that not long after that, I found my self confidence. Maybe his comments gave me the strength to see myself the way I really was, and instead of hating it like he did, I loved it. I had become more curvy and felt like I had a great shape. I loved my body, and expected everyone else to love it, too. If they didn't they shouldn't look was my theory.

Slowly as more years past I reached a size 14 then 16. I'd go to the gym regularly and get back to a 14, and then quit. I was pretty happy with myself at a size 14. I was by no definition of the word skinny, but I was content and felt healthy and sexy.
Over the past decade the weight has gone up and down (mostly up). People have come and gone from my life. There have been men that loved me, but not my body. And men who loved my body and not me. I don't blame my weight gain on anyone, and although some breakups and losses have been earth shattering, I don't blame it on that either.

The main event that I can trace my weight gain to is my current job. I went from working in retail where I was standing all day, to sitting on my butt. It seems like such a small thing, but it has had a major impact. I went from a chubby but ok with it 210 lbs, to my current weight of 265lbs. This is the heaviest that I have ever been, and it has finally taken an physical and emotional toll on me. I am tired all the time. I have no drive to get up and out and into the world. There are so many things that I want to do, but I can't will myself to get them done. On top of that, I have to take medicine to control my blood pressure, I had to have my gallbladder removed and I feel sick most of the time. I can't take it any more. I don't feel like myself, I feel lost.

I have to add here that I have the most wonderfully supportive boyfriend. He loves me just the way I am, but he also wants me to be healthy and happy. If I were happy and felt good at my current weight he would love me just the way that I am. Knowing that I am not either of those things prompts him to give me encouragement but he knows that I have to do things in my own time. He never pressures me, and I love him even more for that.

That said, he has helped me come to the decision to try Optifast. He has done the program before, but for personal reasons he was not able to maintain the weight loss. He had a lot of success and loved the emotional and medical support that the program offers. We both have a lot of weight to loose. While not everyone in our lives will agree that a liquid diet is the way to go, we both need some time where food is eliminated from our diets so that we can detox, and start over from a healthier place. Fast food is a staple in our diet, and that is a hard habit to break.

We are going to our orientation tomorrow. I know that I want to do this, but I need all the information before I fully commit. I am going to post before pictures later today, so that anyone who may read this can see where I am starting from.